


Is There A YouTube Video For This?

by orphan_account



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Fix-It, Fluff, M/M, Sassy Straight Jasper Sitwell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-07
Updated: 2013-04-07
Packaged: 2017-12-07 19:54:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/752423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil was pretty sure that Clint had shown him a YouTube video like this before. Except with a sassy, gay guy with an orange scarf, not an annoyed, straight Jasper Sitwell with a vaguely threatening ballpoint pen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Is There A YouTube Video For This?

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warnings: Slight mention of suicidal thoughts/suicide. Pretty minor, though. 
> 
> I also apologize for the cheesy horribleness of this.

“What the _fuck_ did you think you were doing?!” 

Phil blinked blearily up at one Agent Jasper Sitwell from his hospital bed, trying to make sense of what his coworker (read: friend) was talking about. It probably would have helped if he hadn’t been given more pain meds in the past five hours than he’d been given in his entire first year as a SHIELD employee. But seriously? What was Jasper so pissed about? If he remembered correctly, he’d just saved Manhattan. 

“Sorry?” he croaked, still unsure what exactly he was supposed to be sorry for. 

“You better be,” Sitwell snorted, crossing his arms over his chest. 

The movement drew Phil’s eyes to Jasper’s hands. Phil blinked. He must have really screwed up for Jasper to bring _that_ pen along. He only brought it to interrogations. It had a certain way of looking very sharp and dangerous, despite the fact that it was just a pen. It didn’t look like it had the red ink cartridge in it, though – Jasper saved that for when he wanted to be _really_ scary. Fury had once asked why Jasper wrote some of his reports in blood, and if he’d gotten the discarded stuff from the blood bank or if he should consider sending Jasper to an isolated outpost in Antarctica. 

It actually was just red ink. Phil had checked. Multiple times. 

“I can’t _believe_ you did that!” Jasper continued, his voice at such a volume that Phil could already see the doctors starting to get out their tasers. “What sort of fucking idiot are you?”

“One who’s exhausted and in pain?” Phil suggested, still groggy. 

“Yeah, right – you’re on too many meds to feel any pain,” Jasper shot back, still glaring at Phil. “And you wouldn’t be in this state in the first place if you hadn’t been such a stupid asshole.” 

“I just saved Manhattan,” Phil protested, his mind starting to clear slightly, memories coming back. 

“Who the fuck _cares_ about Manhattan?” Jasper yelled, throwing his hands up into the air, pen glinting in the bright light of the hospital room. 

“Don’t you live in Manhattan?” Phil grumbled, receiving only another glare from his friend. 

“Look, I spent two goddamn _years_ trying to get you and Clint fucking Barton to get your heads out of your asses and declare your undying love for each other!” Jasper continued, now pointing the pen at Phil. “Look at your fucking life. Look at your choices. How was _any_ of what you just did a good idea?”

Phil was pretty sure that Clint had shown him a YouTube video like this before. Except with a sassy, gay guy with an orange scarf, not an annoyed, straight Jasper Sitwell with a vaguely threatening ballpoint pen. 

“Ah…” Phil said, mind still trying to process everything and not get caught on imagining what Jasper would look like in a bright orange scarf. “I saved Manhattan.”

“Look, this is not about your happiness, or Clint’s happiness, or saving goddamn Manhattan,” Jasper snapped, crossing his arms again. “This is about my fucking _sanity_.”

“Your sanity?” Phil asked blearily. 

“Fury told the Avengers that you were dead. I do not want to be scraping Clint Barton bits off of the pavement in front of Stark Tower when he pulls a Juliet and decides that life isn’t worth living without his Romeo,” Jasper said. 

“Wouldn’t _he_ be Romeo?” Phil asked. “Because I’m pretty sure I’m Juliet, what with the whole dead-but-not-really thing.”

“You’re just trying to make yourself into the slightly smarter one,” Jasper accused, eyes narrowing. 

“Romeo was kind of an idiot,” Phil shrugged, not denying Jasper’s claim. “Not that Juliet was smart.”

“Well, right now you’re the stupider one, so you’re Romeo,” Jasper said, moving on. “Seriously, what was going on in that idiotic mind of yours? ‘Oh, I’ll just let the crazy-diva-alien-overlord try to kill me and it’ll all end with rainbows and glitter as I kiss my boyfriend under the sunset. Te he he!’”

“Did you actually just say ‘te he he’?” Phil, unsure if he should laugh or call for a doctor. 

Preferably a psychiatrist.

“Beside the fucking point,” Jasper said through clenched teeth. “Although, you know, you must have been so far into Crazy Land at that point to come up with such a stupid ass idea that you very well could have said that.” 

“‘Stupid ass’? Are you quoting Nick?” Phil asked, blinking again to make sure that this wasn’t just another crazy drug-induced dream. 

Because seriously? Who actually said ‘stupid ass’? It was nearly on par with ‘ass butt’. 

“Yeah, well, at the moment he’s looking a _lot_ smarter than you,” Jasper shot back, flicking his Pen of Painful Death in a threatening fashion. 

Phil frowned. 

“It wasn’t _that_ bad of a decision – ” he started, trying to explain himself. 

“God fucking damnit!” Jasper yelled, throwing his hands up into the air in frustration. “You’re lucky that your boyfriend didn’t kill himself right off the bat after he heard you were dead!”

“Wait – Clint’s okay? Loki’s no longer controlling him?” Phil asked, struggling to sit up in the bed. 

“ _Is he okay?_ ” Jasper repeated incredulously. “Fucking _hell_ Phil – of course he’s okay! You should know by now that your boyfriend has more lives than a cat and a cockroach combined!”

Phil frowned at that comparison, because ew, no. Cockroaches – not sexy. Clint Barton – very, very sexy. The complete opposite of not sexy. Which was sexy. Or hot? He couldn’t remember. Probably both. Both sounded good. Sexy Clint sounded good. Preferably with no shirt. And no pants. And no –

“Look, just talk to him,” Jasper said, interrupting Phil’s thoughts as he shoved a cell phone to his ear. “I want him off suicide watch as soon as possible.”

“Hello? Ah, you probably have a wrong number, because this is Cli – ” a voice on the other end started. 

“Clint!” Phil exclaimed happily, still a little dizzy from the drugs. 

Was he swaying or was that just the room?

“Phil?” Clint said, his voice rough and choked with disbelief. “Is this – is this some sort of joke?”

“Apparently Nick told you guys I’m dead, but I’m not actually, because Jasper was just telling me about how stupid it would be to get killed by Loki, and I really hope you’re okay, too, and – ” Phil rambled, unsure in what order he was supposed to say things and how this talking thing was supposed to work again. 

“Where are you?” Clint asked, interrupting him, a hint of desperation in his voice. 

Phil frowned. Sad, desperate Clint wasn’t good. If only Clint was here so that he could hug him and kiss him and make him feel better… Wait. Hadn’t Clint just asked where he was?

“Jasper, where am I?” Phil asked. He knew it was a hospital, he just didn’t know where…

“Hellicarrier med bay, room 14,” Jasper told him, looking a little less stressed than before. 

“Hellicarrier med bay, room 14,” Phil repeated, so that Clint could hear. 

“I’ll be there in just a sec,” Clint said, his voice soothing to hear. “If I’m late, it’s only because I’m killing Fury. Love you. Bye.”

“Love you, too,” Phil answered on instinct before frowning as Clint hung up. He liked hearing Clint’s voice.

“Well, now that that’s sorted out,” Jasper said, snatching his cell phone back and walking towards the door. 

Phil was pretty sure he heard Jasper mutter something like “Stupid assholes.” on the way out.


End file.
